The best excuse I ever heard for calling in sick went something like this: “I can’t come in today. The hooker I called last night fell off the kitchen counter and broke her arm this morning. I have to take her to the hospital.” I’m not sure how much of a demand there is for casted escorts, so I felt bad for the woman. But for the guy who made the call—well, he gets big marks for creativity.

Let’s face it: Any boss who hasn’t heard the entire list of phony I’m-too-sick-to-work excuses isn’t much of a boss. In today’s marketplace, you need to be creative, with a healthy dose of plausible deniability. Those little coughs and sniffles you fake on the other end of the phone? They aren’t helping. Announcing you don’t feel very well on the Thursday afternoon of a holiday weekend? That’s as worn as saying, “My aunt died.” And if you’re a big drinker, using the old, “It must have been something I ate” excuse just won’t fly.

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