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The one and only time I was asked to speak to an MBA class I had the microphone ripped from my hand. Goldman Sachs asked me to address their summer associates-big-brained kids pretending to be interested in what I was saying. The gig was sold to me as fifteen minutes of very casual dinner talk about how I made it on Wall Street, and then a Q&A. No problem. It might have gone fine – except for the couple of shots of tequila and my sudden desire to tell these kids what they weren’t going to hear from their famous faculty back at school.

Maybe I was wrong. Or maybe Goldman Sachs should go commando more often. You can decide for yourself—I describe the scene in Chapter 12 of The Buy Side. But in this spirit of telling the truth, I thought I’d offer a list of the classes MBA students should really be taking if they want to make it on the Street. Picture this course directory:

INTRO TO BACKBONE REALIGNMENT – In today’s Wall Street world, success is more often about what you don’t say rather than what you do. This course will introduce you to intensive lip-biting techniques and skin-thickening treatments, and remind you of how great your bosses and customers are by using early morning meditation methods.

RESEARCH & ANALYSIS – Everything you wanted to know about copying and pasting emails, instant messages and Bloomberg messages.

CREATIVE ACCOUNTING 101 – Expense accounts can be tricky. This course systematically explores how entertaining can be taken to inventive extremes. Additionally, we’ll examine critical opportunities and threats that arise from internal compliance—also, from that dickhead buy side guy who never sends in trades for the tickets you got him last night. Students will apply strip-club scenario planning and synthesize trends in the external environment in the presence of risk and uncertainty.

FAUX FRIENDSHIP FOUNDATION – More than ever, the ability to pretend to like someone is critical for success in sales and trading. Today, achieving a fake friendship means not merely smiling and paying compliments, but making strategic use of likes and dislikes. In this course, you’ll develop and refine these capabilities. For example, if your client or boss is a Cleveland Browns fan, you better know that the team selected Jamoris Slaughter in the 6th round and that his 40 yard dash at the combine was 4.6 seconds.

DENNIS RODMAN ECONOMICS – Inevitably, you and your coworkers will be invited to a charity event or to a Wall Street Back Patting Conference. This course will show how to box out other sales traders at these events, and leverage the value of being “up close and personal.” Key techniques taught are ingratiation by intimidation and, where appropriate, using soft elbows. In the cut-throat world of sales and trading, this course is mandatory. A good sales trader never let another trader dominate a conversation.

VELVET ROPE MANAGEMENT – One of the keys to sales and trading success is the ability to accurately evaluate—and maximally leverage for one’s benefit – bouncer and wait staff policies. In this course, you’ll learn how to use knowledge gained from successive nights out to “work” the velvet ropes like a maestro. The objective is always to seize competitive advantage in the club scene.

BACK TO BASICS 101 – We all know that getting a client a hot “date” maximizes returns, but in Back to Basics we focus on the little things. For example, a perfectly great night can be diminished by faulty car-service pick up. (Even a fifteen-minute delay might mean a slap on the wrist of 300K shares.) We also discuss the importance of calling the day after a huge order. Sales traders also must learn how to adroitly handle I was wrong phone calls.

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE – This is the follow-up to our wildly popular Elevator Etiquette course. Note that both etiquette methods impose a no-talking policy. Special bonus: best ways to get in and out when a Managing Director begins making urinal small talk or asking market questions through a bathroom stall.

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