But typing that headline makes me curious. I’m going to do it right now. Hold please… Okay, well, I was too afraid to click the link of the first result because my computer is already running slowly. And we all know how easy it is to get a virus. But here’s the description under the link: Dark-haired amateur girl Katarina is offered the sum of money for the nasty things she must do in the street. Well, she is probably in the need of money.

Katarina I feel you girlfriend. I’m in the need of some money too. It seems like nobody has enough. Have you ever heard of someone complaining about having too much money? “Ugh. My account balances have way too many zeros,” or “This huge wad of cash in my pocket is so uncomfortable. Does it make me look fat?”

Nobody has enough. Or so they think. But when I had a lot of money it wasn’t the actual currency that made me feel good—it was how it made me feel—like a drug. It was sort of like freebasing cocaine. Freebase is prepared from cocaine hydrochloride by extracting the cocaine with ammonia and adding a solvent. The mixture separates into two layers; the top solvent layer contains the dissolved cocaine. The solvent is then evaporated leaving almost pure cocaine crystals, white and crumbly like feta (cheese). It brings a very powerful high.

And you feel fantastic when you inhale the cocaine. The immediate effects are increased energy, self-confidence and alertness, but then you start to come down soon after exhaling. And once you start, it’s almost impossible to put down.

FREEBASING MONEY
A long, long time ago in 2004, before the masses started using online banking, we had to use our cell phones and push buttons when calling our banks. It was just after bonus season and I could see the snow starting to fall on the cobblestones of Tribeca, but I was snug under a blanket, alone, in my 2,700 square-foot apartment. I dialed the 800-number to Chase and waited to hear my balance. The female automated voice said, “Your balance is one million, eight hundred thousand and…”
I hit repeat.
“One million, eight hundred thousand and…”
Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat

And just like any other drug—you build up a tolerance. When I first got my job on Wall Street at Morgan Stanley I thought I was one of those kids who received a “golden ticket” in Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory. And in many ways I was, but I forgot to recall the fate of all of those children… I wasn’t Charlie… When I was making $22,000 a year, I thought all of my problems would be solved if I could make $50,000. But I was having those same exact thoughts when I was making $2 million a year. It never was enough.

THE MONEY PLAN
What I lacked the most rising up on the Street was self-awareness. I had moments of it and very often questioned my behavior, but I was never able to do much with the glimpses of reality. However I had a plan on that cold wintery night in 2004. I was going to take everything I could from Wall Street and use all the money I made to fund my passion—writing. I knew I wasn’t really a finance guy, but I ended up being pretty good at it and no one had suspected me of being a fraud yet. I was 34 and the blueprint was to get out at the age of 40. I felt like a modern day Robin Hood. I was going to earn from Wall Street and give back to the Arts. I just needed to wait six years and make a lot of money. And as a lot of you know my plans didn’t go quite accordingly to plan…

MONEY HIDES THE REAL PROBLEMS
Nobody wants to hear the problems of a wealthy person—deservedly so… What money magically does is help sweep certain problems and feelings under the rug. And in many ways that’s an advantage. If you don’t have to worry about making rent or putting food on the table that’s a huge relief, but it doesn’t get you any closer to fixing the real problems. I personally have/had a lot. I think mostly I wanted validation and to be looked at as successful. And money helped me accomplished those goals I thought. But the positive effects of money were short-lived.

What was the driving force for me wanting to feel validated or successful? I cared what people thought. But if I boil it down even further—I just wanted people to like me. And having a lot of money certainly created a huge false sense of likability. Perhaps digging even further I think it’s safe to say one of the reasons it was so important to me to have people like me was because I didn’t really like myself. That sounds so esoteric and generic. I’m sorry, but I’m still trying to figure it out. Maybe subconsciously I believed that if others validated me and viewed me one way that I too would believe it. We’ll get back to this another time when I figure it out.

DISCLAIMER
By no means am I saying there’s anything wrong with trying to make a lot of money. Money doesn’t have to be the root of all evil. I’m capable of incredible kindness and I’m capable of incredible cruelty—money has nothing to do with it. The real question is why am I chasing the money?

MONEY TALKS
It’s cliché to say “Money can’t buy happiness,” it pains me even to type this on my computer. Although there’s a lot more than a hint of truth to it, it might be more appropriate to say: Money can rent happiness, but with a teaser rate, short term lease and penalty for late fees. I guess clichés are clichés for a reason. It only took me two drug and alcohol rehabs, a blown seven figure investment into Fatburger, a short sale of my two million dollar house and damaging the relationship with the mother of my daughter. It was a very expensive lesson, but I’m grateful I got it.

Share this…

Facebook

Google

Twitter

Linkedin